Relationships: To be consumed? No. Not to be consumed.

I never directly thought, "I'm in this relationship so I can be happy. He's what makes me happy." But I will admit, I definitely lived that way.

Before this mess of a year, I was consumed by relationship. Having a romantic relationship was my life, the main thing, it was the big circus and I was not leaving that tent! I relied on it, I needed it to text me, call me and see me everyday. Any given moment without it was a mental breakdown. Insecurities would eat me alive and I was a nervous wreck. 

These insecurities were from past relationships, past life and extremely horrible experiences. I didn't realize it for the longest time, but when something traumatic happens in life and years down the line, the same thing happens we act out in the same way as we did before. Are you picking up what I'm throwing down?

Example, I dated a cheating, lying, insecure man for years. I knew this about him. But I settled, he would change, right? No. All the lies and horror stories I lived through I carried to my next relationship. A honest, loyal, real loving one. The feelings and thoughts were the same, but the reality was very different. This happens in more circumstances than we realize. Don't get it yet?

Situation+Thought=Feeling 
Next situation+Thought=Same feeling
Solution? "Father, take my thoughts captive."

The constant connection in this relationship (the new healthier one) I didn't realize it, but I was actually sucking the life out of the man I loved. Constant connection (Text, twitter, phone calls, visits, ect.) quickly became another job and not something out of love. Like I said before, I was acting out of my own insecurities and while doing that, the relationship became jail, a box, a straight jacket. A smile became something that was to be questioned and a hug was something I felt I'd never receive again. Only the enemy would sink these lies into our hearts.

This past year God took that relationship from me. My heart was broken in the most painful ways. Honestly, I'm still not over everything that happened. It's hard and it's definitely not a light switch. Sometimes, I wish it was because I'm sick and tired of crying over things that happened months ago. But that's when it's best to pray. "Father, take me thoughts captive."

While being apart from the man I loved I learned a lot. I learned a lot about me. I realized, I have a life, I have a heart, passions, hobbies and wonderful friends. As I was learning these things I felt free to be my own person. I was free of all the soul eating energy that the relationship consumption took from me. 

While all these things were happening, I'd be lying if I said I didn't think about him everyday. I missed him dearly, it was not easy. It was the most difficult learning experience I've had this far.

God graciously and very slowly placed him back into my life. Yes, months of praying and hoping had arrived! But what was next? How much do we talk? Are we going to just be friends? Why am I still crying? Does he actually care about me? Do I really want to be with him? What the heck? Have I lost my mind? Why is dating and relationships so complicated?

Sure enough, God worked it out. Slowly, patiently, and lovingly.

Now, back into a healthy relationship with this person, after learning all the hard stuff. I can breath. I  can be myself. I can have my hobbies and passions and still have him in my life. We are able to shares our lives, not be each other's lives. We both can express our opinions and listen to one another. It's so great! Instead of "he makes me happy." It's become more of, "How can I make him happy?" What are little ways I can show I love him? How can I encourage him?

Instead of life sucking, it's become life giving. 

Controlling love is not love.

While I was wasting away my morning on facebook today I came across a picture of an ex boyfriend. Anger instantly stirred inside me.

He was so horrible to me! He controlled everything I did! I couldn't go out with my friends, I couldn't even buy TOMS shoes. Are you kidding me? Why? Why did what shoes I wore have to be such a big decision? I felt like I was in a tiny box suffocating and the only thing that kept me alive was the fact that I had to feed my cat in the morning.

He was always saying he didn't want other boys looking/talking to me. Cool, fine, I get it. But little did I know at the time it was just his insecurities surfacing. By the end of the relationship I found that he was constantly cheating on me, constantly looking at porn and tried to control me so I wouldn't see his faults. He wanted my heart but had so much turmoil in his that he didn't know how to love. 

That life is like a snuggie wrapped in barbed wire. You can't move, you see this nice warm fleece with arms laying on top of you but underneath, it's ripping you apart. You are trying to get comfortable and want to rest and enjoy it while you read a book on the couch but all you're really feeling is pain. Controlling love, is not real love. Recognize this please, before things get too far down the road. Also know that, there is no way to change it. You cannot and will not ever change a person. You don't have the power to, only God does. Which you should leave it up to Him anyways because I can guarantee you that He's a lot better at it anyways.

After accepting Christ in my life, I told God I forgive him for all the hurt he put me through. I told God, this boy has a good heart and to dig it out. I asked God to reveal himself to my ex and let him see real love, love that has freedom and is unconditional.

About nine months ago (after more than two years past of our relationship ending) I received an email from my ex. He said sorry for all the wrong he had done to my heart as well as thank you for showing him what real love should be like. Praise Him.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth. It always protect, always trust always preservers. - 1 Corinthians 13:4-6

Amen.

If you are dealing with anything like this and are having a heavy heart I'd be more than happy to listen and talk. Contact me!:)
Sarahlucille.howard@gmail.com

I use to punch people

I use to punch people. Don't believe me? Ask Azia, she knows everything. Sometimes I still want to punch people. There are actually a couple people I could punch and when they'd turn the other cheek, I'd punch em again.

Anger? Bitterness? Insecurities? Hurt? Fear? Pure fun? A little bit of everything here.

Now, let me set something straight. I never would go around randomly hitting whoever looked at me funny. It was always someone that invaded my privacy, grabbed me the wrong way, called me the wrong name, disrespecting me, my womanhood. Call me a crazy feminist and you're 92% dead on.

Even in my rebellious, crazy, blinded days I knew I was worth more than, "Damn girl." When we'd go out and guys would hit on me, it didn't feel good. It made me feel worse. As the time went on I became more broken than ever. I was hurt because I knew I had an amazing heart and no one saw it. Then, slowly but surely resulted into this tough girl literally punching people in the face when they disrespected me. I have a soul, thoughts and dreams! Why didn't they see this? Rather, they rated my body on a scale from one to ten, it made me want to vomit. There were some nights I loathed in men's disrespect so much I drank myself to getting sick, everywhere.

 Broken heart after broken heart, not knowing value nor feeling real love. This is a vicious cycle the world has going and it will never stop. At least that's what I thought, until I found Him. 

Him. My prince charming, the love of my live. The one that could (and did) put my shattered heart back together. Jesus Christ. 

When I took God as my savior I thought everything was going to be unicorns and glitter! I obviously didn't realize what I was getting myself into.

It has been rough. Looking back on the past, feeling the pain rather than avoiding it with the next drink. Opening those scars and letting Him heal them to new skin, it hurt. But it has been so worth it. Over a year ago I had a friend tell me, "Sarah, I know many girls that have been victims of rape with horrible past and they each have been completely restored. You will be too, just keep pressing on The Lord." I didn't believe him.

For eight years I had the person that stole my innocence from me haunt my mind everyday. I'd wake up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night over and over again. There was one point where I shut off my phone for several days, hermitting  from everything. I planned on visiting him in jail to face him. To ask him, why me?


That's when I learned to lean on God. Yes, He was opening up pain I had been avoiding for years but He was also healing my heart. Taking off the bandages and having me rely on Him, not the false fixes. I didn't need to go back and get answers, I needed to look forward to the glorious Father that was waiting for me.

I dove into the word, spent hours praying and started to share my story. The actual story. God has used this part of my life. He's used my broken heart turned crazy more than I ever thought He would. I had no idea I'd one day be mentoring high school girls with the same things happening in their lives. I didn't even know what mentoring was! And to use my story to help them down the path to the Lord!? It was definitely worth all the pain, the sleepless nights and the lonely lunch periods. If I had to, I'd live those years over and over again to help these girls.

God is using me, why? Because He loves me and has an amazing plan for me. You want to know what's most beautiful about that statement? I finally believe it.




All Glory To God.