Controlling love is not love.

While I was wasting away my morning on facebook today I came across a picture of an ex boyfriend. Anger instantly stirred inside me.

He was so horrible to me! He controlled everything I did! I couldn't go out with my friends, I couldn't even buy TOMS shoes. Are you kidding me? Why? Why did what shoes I wore have to be such a big decision? I felt like I was in a tiny box suffocating and the only thing that kept me alive was the fact that I had to feed my cat in the morning.

He was always saying he didn't want other boys looking/talking to me. Cool, fine, I get it. But little did I know at the time it was just his insecurities surfacing. By the end of the relationship I found that he was constantly cheating on me, constantly looking at porn and tried to control me so I wouldn't see his faults. He wanted my heart but had so much turmoil in his that he didn't know how to love. 

That life is like a snuggie wrapped in barbed wire. You can't move, you see this nice warm fleece with arms laying on top of you but underneath, it's ripping you apart. You are trying to get comfortable and want to rest and enjoy it while you read a book on the couch but all you're really feeling is pain. Controlling love, is not real love. Recognize this please, before things get too far down the road. Also know that, there is no way to change it. You cannot and will not ever change a person. You don't have the power to, only God does. Which you should leave it up to Him anyways because I can guarantee you that He's a lot better at it anyways.

After accepting Christ in my life, I told God I forgive him for all the hurt he put me through. I told God, this boy has a good heart and to dig it out. I asked God to reveal himself to my ex and let him see real love, love that has freedom and is unconditional.

About nine months ago (after more than two years past of our relationship ending) I received an email from my ex. He said sorry for all the wrong he had done to my heart as well as thank you for showing him what real love should be like. Praise Him.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth. It always protect, always trust always preservers. - 1 Corinthians 13:4-6

Amen.

If you are dealing with anything like this and are having a heavy heart I'd be more than happy to listen and talk. Contact me!:)
Sarahlucille.howard@gmail.com

Knit together in love

There is this amazing woman in my life I meet up with often for life chats. This post is inspired by her amazing wisdom and a conversation we had. Now, I know there is more detail and technical terms I could get into with this topic but I like to keep things simple. 

I hope you're prepared to soak this in.

God knit us together, as we know. What has always intrigued me the most about that statement was not thinking about our outer appearance or even our personality. When I hear "He knit you together in your mothers womb." I hear, "He created your desires and emotions. He created your heart. " Which, I feel is what the verse is trying to say. 

Something that hit me in the face was the different kinds of love we give and receive. Family, Friendship and romantic love. Looking at the world we live in, everything is on a scale. We are always trying to reach the top. We are always giving everything a gold, silver or bronze metal. Essentially meaning, we rate everything. But we live in America, we're constantly voting for the next politician or for the next American Idol. Everything has greater or lesser value to us. 

God on the other hand does not work that way. Jesus didn't die for us to have girlfriends and boyfriends, He died so we can share love with everyone, as one, in one body, throughout the world. With all this being said, what I'm getting at is, most of the time we as humans put romantic love on the top of the list. That is the president that is going to make us most happy and protect our hearts the best! This is not the case at all. If God, Jesus and Holy Spirit are equal then so is friendship, family and romantic love.

Doesn't it suck that we so often put the romantic love on the top of the list? I know for me so many times that, that president has let me down. The one I trusted, the one I put my elbow grease in for, the one I went out and told everyone how great and wonderful it was and how happy it was going to make me. Then, there, and here, I sit, without it. It didn't stick to its word, it didn't protect my heart nor did it play out the plan it had been pressing to reach during the election. 

All love is equal. I haven't been in clear sight of this. I'm such a horrible friend. I'm so in and out with everyone, I mean there are a million people to keep up with in this community but that's no excuse. I've had so many people these past few months pour into me and love me, with that real kind of, "I will die for you love." But for some reason I have set that aside and kept searching for something else. I gave them a silver metal. I was not content. I was searching for the "president" and honestly, all the candidates that have come my way don't recognize my worth and are not fit for the job of loving me as a woman in that sort of way. 

With all that being said, I have one more thing. Our hearts are in a constant state of being together and breaking up. We receive and let go of things we love constantly. It's like a rhythmic motion, a song. Not one of those horrible 80's ballads, it's beautiful. You could relate it to the past few days of weather we've had; from rain to gorgeous sunshine to semi alright day with a little bit of breeze. Or just the seasons in general. We're constantly joyful or completely broken. I feel like with family, I get so so happy when they call but then there is that season of not seeming to caring, which is my fault as well. I've lost best friends over and over again, I've been more heart broken about those relationships than I ever imagined. Then there again is that romantic love, the one I thought could save me, but failed. I think it's easy to see how all love is equal when it's lost because we hurt the same way each time. 

The huge thing we need to learn from this is how to take care of each others hearts. It's so over looked, so often. We as people are so focused on ourselves and trying to make ourselves feel better that we always forget about the people left behind, the hearts we have touched and are still connected to. This is how brokenness begins! Once that heart is behind us or in our past we move on but don't realize we still must be cautious, respectful and are responsible for that person. 


What I'm asking you is this, please put aside the flesh's emotions and love what's in front of you. There is no need to go on a wild goose chase for something you think will heal your heart. Look in front of you and love that person. No matter who it is. I know first hand in some situations it's extremely hard and very painful to do such a task. But, that's when you must live out the victory Jesus gave you when He died on the cross. You've already over come the pain, just love. 

All Gory to God.

What's in Alabama?

Tomorrow morning I will be headed off to a fairy tale land I've, at this point only heard of or viewed on podcast. This entire trip idea started during a one on one time I spent with God about a month ago. I had specific directions to go to a particular ministry school, in Alabama. Which is about 10 hours away. Yes, 10 flipping hours away from my precious, beloved friends and family. Now, when I say, "go" at first I thought it was a for sure I'm going to this school and that's that. After seeking council I've realized other wise. I may end up going for the year or I may end up going for a week.

Either way at this point, I'm facing fear. It's 9:34am, I've been awake since 8 and have already cried twice about leaving. As well as ate half a bag of chocolate that was sitting by my bed. (I am woman, hear me rawr. Ha.)

I feel like a cat clinched to the couch by it's claws and having someone rip me off it. Anxiety is settling in and my emotions are haywire. Sometimes that's my least favorite part about being a woman, no, a human.

What I'm fearing the most is what will happen when I get down there. I'd like to have an open mind but it's kind of hard to when you absolutely love everything about life in your current place in life. Why would I want to leave? I have great friends, great job, great group, I love all the girls God has put in my life, I can see a future here. Like, what the heck? Why is this happening?

In this moment I'd like to believe it's a test of faith, like Abraham with his son. That story keeps coming up in random conversations. But who knows what's really going on in the bigger picture, I sure don't. No matter what does happen, it is my call to be obedient and that is what I must follow. 

Sorry for such a ramble post. I always promised myself I'd never write anything that wasn't encouraging on here. But I believe it's also nice to see that we are all human and we all process through rough choices in life. I'm not sure why God has me throw mine on the internet but I know (just from feed back from all you AMAZING ladies) it's bee helpful to some in your own lives.:)

Thank you! I love you! Be obedient! You're awesome! I feel better now! haha.

All glory to God!!

You hurt me but I'm breaking this pattern.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, when you face trials of many kinds, because you know the testing of your faith produces perseverance. James 1:2

Ever been hurt by your ex dating someone else quickly after you two broke up?  Or by your boyfriend/girlfriend cheating on you? How about by the parent that doesn't seem to care too much about what's going on in your life? Maybe by those people at school talking crap about you behind your back, or better yet, to your face. Then there is that best friend that constantly bails on you to hangout with their snuggle bug.

I have.

I took these situations wrong though. I saw them as a slap in the face. I thought it was my fault these things were happening. Too much effort went into trying to figure out what I did wrong. I never found an answer that got me too far, let alone a conclusion. I never found one because I didn't do anything wrong. 

I realized these people were heart broken. They did not do these things to spite me. They did these things because they were lost trying to find a way to fill a void. How I felt about the situation  probably never came to mind for them.

When I realized they were merely acting on their brokenness my heart changed toward the situations. The anger of wanting to punch them in the face or trip them in the middle of the street was flipped. I wanted to love them, I wanted true healing for them.

Unfortunately, I'm not able to fix their problems. I'm not able to force them through the muck so they can have the brighter side of a healed heart. They have to want it for themselves. All I'm able to do is pray for them and exercise my faith knowing God has them in His hands. 


It upsets me that other's wounds have such a huge impact in our life, which then make our wounds worse. It's time to recognize this and change the pattern. Forgive, forget, encourage and love them. That doesn't mean the bitterness is going to instantly flee from your stomach. I wish it did, but it's a process. Also, recognize the gift of bitterness being in your stomach, not your heart. The Holy Spirit is too strong to let a little bitterness touch something so precious to The Kingdom.

If we don't take this into action nothing will ever change. The world is going to keep feeding hurt and flourish in it, controlling our minds and piling us with chains. Wounds will bounce off brokenness, then pain, then hurt and repeat. Sadly, this is one tricky way Satan keeps us down.

A friend was explaining to me last night that this is one of the harder things to do while walking with God. Although you have been deeply hurt and your pain wants to take over, you cannot let it. We must face the pain and push the fleshly emotions to the side. It is crucial that we take the broken hearts under our wing in the Lords name and do nothing but love them.


Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as Christ forgave you. Ephesians 4:31-32



All glory to God.

I want to thank you.

"The fullness of Christ will not come without Christians standing with each other in  love."

-Fancis Frangipanr, The Three Battlegrounds

Hey,


If you have had a heart to heart with me in the past several months.

If you have held me while I was completely losing it.

If you sent me an encouraging text or called to see how I was doing. 

If you reminded me of the facts. 

If you prayed for me. 

If you prayed over me. 

If you bought me boots! 

If you supported my openness to the world. 

If you laid in my room listening to me talk about the same thing over and over.

If you held me while I was having a panic attack in a men's cement bathroom. 

If you bought me food. 

If you cut my hair. 

If you let me leave work early. 

If you forced me out of bed. 

If you gave me a mini pizza party with Indiana Jones. 

If you took me to church. 

If you opened my eyes to a new church. 

If you drove me anywhere! 

If you burnt me CD's. 

If you told me to watch a sermon. 

If you giggled with me about my "one day crushes".

If you sang to me.

If you had coffee at Tim Hortons with me. 

If you said you were proud of me. 

If you gave me a book to read. 

If you cooked me dinner. 

If you helped me out when my car broke down. 

If you chanted with me!

If you had me the greatest valentines day with me. 

If you Twilight geeked with me.

If you reminded me why I'm living.

If you used your story to help me with mine.

If you went to the gym with me.

If you smiled at me.

If you took me to throw rocks off a bridge.
If I was vomiting because of stress and you sat by my side and took care of me.

If you wrote me a letter.

If you walked around the pet store with me.

If you sent me a verse to read.

If you gave me a little piece of love at all.

Thank you!

I could go on for hours with this list. But I won't, you know who you are and please be confident in that you are on this list. I wouldn't of been able to experience true healing if it wasn't for your love. You have been a huge blessing!

Even if you feel like you've done nothing at all. That's the most beautiful part! If you feel like you've done nothing, that's when you know you're walking with God. Rejoice in the fact that Father is proud of you for taking care of Him.

    

For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me. -Matthew 25:35-36

The King will reply, I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me. -Matthew 25:40

Dear children let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and truth. -1 John 3:18

No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and His love is made complete in us.
-1 John 4:12

All Glory to God.

A change of heart and strengthened security

    If you would of asked the five month ago me, what are your future plans? Something like this would have come out, "Well, you know. Get married when my boyfriend (L7) is out of school. Maybe go back to school after I completely over think what God wants me doing with my life. Find a nice suburb, buy a house, live as each week goes on, go to church, have a few kids and eventually die!" Now, it would have sounded a lot more happier than that. Mostly because I thought I was happy, I thought I was filled and I thought I knew what the desires of my heart were. Good thing God know what's best and I don't.

    God does this funny thing sometimes, where He takes away things that you find security in. Things that are not Him. Maybe you've had a similar experience? If you have, you're probably nodding your head, thinking about that person, dream, career or hobby The Lord cut out of your life. You probably already know that my "suburb dream" is no longer in line and honestly, it never really was. When L7 and I would talk about our future I could feel my heart wanting more. Of course, I will never deny I was head over heels for him and completely loved the idea of growing old together but my gut felt God had bigger plans for me.

    About a month ago a wonderful friend handed me a book called Shattered Dreams by Larry Crabb. Yes, I know it sounds like some kind of break up book and you know what? It is, but much more. It studies the book of Ruth, focusing on Naomi's trials. I would highly suggest it if you're going through a rough season. It put into perspective for me that God uses our shattered dreams to make us desire Him more.

    Thankfully, God took L7 out of my life. Was it easy? No. Is it easy now? No. Do I now desire to know God more than I could possibly imagine? Yes, yes I do indeed.

    The past couple months have been traitorous. There was one point I literally thought dying would be much better than feeling the agony my heart was being dragged through. One night I was on my way home from church, bawling my eyes out thinking, "Everyone keeps saying it gets easier but it's not! Everyday feels worse!" Thankfully I came home to two of my best friends sitting in my room watching cat videos on youtube. As soon as I walked in I fell to my knees, kicking, screaming and drowning in tears. They came over and held me, which is exactly what I needed. God was there, crying with me because seeing me in that kind of pain hurt Him just as much, if not more. I needed to get out the hurt, the pain, the depression, the faithlessness, the abandonment, the not good enough, the untrustworthy and the bitterness I had been feeling. That night was definitely the biggest turn around for me in the season.

    Yes, Father wants us to be happy and bless us. But something I've come to realize is what's best is not always what's easy. He knew that relationship was precious to my heart and that I was, oh so in love! Taking it away was not an easy task for Him, but He knew it was best. The statement, "This is going to hurt me a lot more than it hurts you." never made sense to me until now. 

    This past month I felt prompted to fast, recommit prayer life and fully fix my eyes on Him and I's relationship. Since February is now over, as I sit in bed writing this, I'm trying to think of what all I have learned.

    Well, I learned that I'm in a process of a healing heart. That I'm growing into a strong woman of Christ and that God planned all of this. Even down to the nooks and crannies.

    Example, six months ago I wanted to look into counseling as a career and it was suggested to me that I go see a councilor before I jump into classes. Pssh, I'm not going to be a councilor but to end up in this woman's office right before and through all of this mess? God planned it. She has been a  tremendous blessing, I'm so thankful for her. Something else was my job. I now work with several people from my home church (and have the greatest mangers ever). Crying and praying in the back room for an hour definitely wouldn't of  been okay at Nordstrom.

   I also found that God also knows exactly what you need to help be built back up. Me, being a hopeless romantic woman that was settled in a bitterness state, wanting to shank everything with a penis. God blessed me with a glimpse of how I am to be treated by my future spouse. I call him Freckles. Through this young man God showed me what kind of leader I need. Some one that is passionate and radical about their walk. Some one that is able to see qualities about my heart God created and feed them back to me. Some one that has a childlike heart and is completely filled with the Holy Spirit's joy. Even with a distance like Columbus to Albuquerque God was able to use him. The past was broken off of me and no longer a burden. I now know the future holds a imperfectly perfect marriage and family, one of Christ.
(Now please note, that the whole Freckles and I thing is not an actual "thing". Haha, Merely friends.)

    The most important thing Father taught me this month was to be still. To sit and listen, to fill my soul with scripture and be with Him in constant prayer. I've grown to desire Him on an entirely new level. I've learned to surround myself with followers and let others pour into me. I was always trying to encourage everyone, but that car quickly ran out of gas. This season has definitely shown me I have amazing friends that truly care. That they are willing to do just about anything to bring a smile to my face.

     I've learned that what I have here in this house, in this community and in this world, is truly God's best interest for me. That He is holding me, walking beside me and never leaving. That He is there wherever my future goes and that I can be comforted by the fact that He will never replace my better with good, only best.

Romans 12:12

All Glory to God.

I use to punch people

I use to punch people. Don't believe me? Ask Azia, she knows everything. Sometimes I still want to punch people. There are actually a couple people I could punch and when they'd turn the other cheek, I'd punch em again.

Anger? Bitterness? Insecurities? Hurt? Fear? Pure fun? A little bit of everything here.

Now, let me set something straight. I never would go around randomly hitting whoever looked at me funny. It was always someone that invaded my privacy, grabbed me the wrong way, called me the wrong name, disrespecting me, my womanhood. Call me a crazy feminist and you're 92% dead on.

Even in my rebellious, crazy, blinded days I knew I was worth more than, "Damn girl." When we'd go out and guys would hit on me, it didn't feel good. It made me feel worse. As the time went on I became more broken than ever. I was hurt because I knew I had an amazing heart and no one saw it. Then, slowly but surely resulted into this tough girl literally punching people in the face when they disrespected me. I have a soul, thoughts and dreams! Why didn't they see this? Rather, they rated my body on a scale from one to ten, it made me want to vomit. There were some nights I loathed in men's disrespect so much I drank myself to getting sick, everywhere.

 Broken heart after broken heart, not knowing value nor feeling real love. This is a vicious cycle the world has going and it will never stop. At least that's what I thought, until I found Him. 

Him. My prince charming, the love of my live. The one that could (and did) put my shattered heart back together. Jesus Christ. 

When I took God as my savior I thought everything was going to be unicorns and glitter! I obviously didn't realize what I was getting myself into.

It has been rough. Looking back on the past, feeling the pain rather than avoiding it with the next drink. Opening those scars and letting Him heal them to new skin, it hurt. But it has been so worth it. Over a year ago I had a friend tell me, "Sarah, I know many girls that have been victims of rape with horrible past and they each have been completely restored. You will be too, just keep pressing on The Lord." I didn't believe him.

For eight years I had the person that stole my innocence from me haunt my mind everyday. I'd wake up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night over and over again. There was one point where I shut off my phone for several days, hermitting  from everything. I planned on visiting him in jail to face him. To ask him, why me?


That's when I learned to lean on God. Yes, He was opening up pain I had been avoiding for years but He was also healing my heart. Taking off the bandages and having me rely on Him, not the false fixes. I didn't need to go back and get answers, I needed to look forward to the glorious Father that was waiting for me.

I dove into the word, spent hours praying and started to share my story. The actual story. God has used this part of my life. He's used my broken heart turned crazy more than I ever thought He would. I had no idea I'd one day be mentoring high school girls with the same things happening in their lives. I didn't even know what mentoring was! And to use my story to help them down the path to the Lord!? It was definitely worth all the pain, the sleepless nights and the lonely lunch periods. If I had to, I'd live those years over and over again to help these girls.

God is using me, why? Because He loves me and has an amazing plan for me. You want to know what's most beautiful about that statement? I finally believe it.




All Glory To God.

A family, finally together

When I walked in the door of my mother's house this past Sunday I prepared myself. I knew it was going to be a bit of a hectic stress mess with my little brother rushing around getting everything thrown into a backpack.

My guess was correct. He had his bag on the couch with everything he needed beside it. Socks, two pairs of underwear, a folder with his high school diploma and another set of clothes. His stubbornness surfaced and nerves were being thrown everywhere, yelling every which way he faced. In his favorite jeans and buckeye hoodie on he was about ready. The day had finally come after five months of anticipation. He was leaving for boot camp.

The house felt broken. It felt stressed and anxious. I tired my best to keep my patience, to change the atmosphere. But it was too strong for my current state of weakness. I backed off with a little prayer in mind, then it came.

My step father, a six foot six, muscular, very scary, bearded black man walked down from the room he often locks himself in. I felt it, the Holy Spirit was present. "Praise Jesus" I thought. As he walked down the steps singing an old Luniz song (I got 5 on it) my unsaved brother felt it too, I could tell by the smile on his face. Actually it was more than a smile I saw, it was stubbornness turned to joy. I giggled, knowing that's something my brother is going to miss. Jamie (my step dad) singing everything from Fall Out Boy to 2Pac while he goes about his day. It use to annoy me but I must admit, since I've moved it's something I miss too.

After Jamie topped off his coffee and he walked in the slightly more calm living room he said, "What are ya'll doing! Mommy, put down that check list, Tim stop trippin boy. It's time to pray!" I've never seen my mother's mouth drop so quickly. I was shocked myself. You see, this was not something that happens in my family. Before Thanksgiving dinner, of course. But to come together? As a family? And pray? For a current situation or worry or stress. UNHEARD OF. After I realized what was about to happen the Holy Spirit had already brought tears to my eyes. The thought that my little brother would be able to experience God's love the way I've been blessed with so many times, for the absolute very first time was breath taking. Even the thought of it now brings me tears, tears of joy.

Then, we all kneeled down at the couch. Jamie spread his arms across all of us and began the prayer. I've never heard him pray before, it was one of the most beautiful things God granted my ears to hear. I could tell my little brother didn't really know how to take it all in. He was a little embarrassed, he felt a tug on his heart and he became more curious of what living with God is truly like. He may not realize it yet, but he did.

I was so proud of Jamie that day. For doing his part in the family as a man, a holy man, a man of God. It was something I had been yearning to experience for years. A family, a family together, truly together.

Now, my brother is unsaved at the moment. I've tried to talk to him about Jesus many times but he doesn't understand. It was hard for me to accept the fact that he's on God's time, not mine. If it was my choice he would have been slaying demons a long time ago. But I know The Lord has the perfect time for him and I have faith that it will happen. If you're reading this, please send a prayer up for my brother to look to the Father and to let God have his heart.

Thank you.

ALL GLORY TO GOD.

The last hair cut before he left! Jamie and Tim.:)