Relationships: To be consumed? No. Not to be consumed.

I never directly thought, "I'm in this relationship so I can be happy. He's what makes me happy." But I will admit, I definitely lived that way.

Before this mess of a year, I was consumed by relationship. Having a romantic relationship was my life, the main thing, it was the big circus and I was not leaving that tent! I relied on it, I needed it to text me, call me and see me everyday. Any given moment without it was a mental breakdown. Insecurities would eat me alive and I was a nervous wreck. 

These insecurities were from past relationships, past life and extremely horrible experiences. I didn't realize it for the longest time, but when something traumatic happens in life and years down the line, the same thing happens we act out in the same way as we did before. Are you picking up what I'm throwing down?

Example, I dated a cheating, lying, insecure man for years. I knew this about him. But I settled, he would change, right? No. All the lies and horror stories I lived through I carried to my next relationship. A honest, loyal, real loving one. The feelings and thoughts were the same, but the reality was very different. This happens in more circumstances than we realize. Don't get it yet?

Situation+Thought=Feeling 
Next situation+Thought=Same feeling
Solution? "Father, take my thoughts captive."

The constant connection in this relationship (the new healthier one) I didn't realize it, but I was actually sucking the life out of the man I loved. Constant connection (Text, twitter, phone calls, visits, ect.) quickly became another job and not something out of love. Like I said before, I was acting out of my own insecurities and while doing that, the relationship became jail, a box, a straight jacket. A smile became something that was to be questioned and a hug was something I felt I'd never receive again. Only the enemy would sink these lies into our hearts.

This past year God took that relationship from me. My heart was broken in the most painful ways. Honestly, I'm still not over everything that happened. It's hard and it's definitely not a light switch. Sometimes, I wish it was because I'm sick and tired of crying over things that happened months ago. But that's when it's best to pray. "Father, take me thoughts captive."

While being apart from the man I loved I learned a lot. I learned a lot about me. I realized, I have a life, I have a heart, passions, hobbies and wonderful friends. As I was learning these things I felt free to be my own person. I was free of all the soul eating energy that the relationship consumption took from me. 

While all these things were happening, I'd be lying if I said I didn't think about him everyday. I missed him dearly, it was not easy. It was the most difficult learning experience I've had this far.

God graciously and very slowly placed him back into my life. Yes, months of praying and hoping had arrived! But what was next? How much do we talk? Are we going to just be friends? Why am I still crying? Does he actually care about me? Do I really want to be with him? What the heck? Have I lost my mind? Why is dating and relationships so complicated?

Sure enough, God worked it out. Slowly, patiently, and lovingly.

Now, back into a healthy relationship with this person, after learning all the hard stuff. I can breath. I  can be myself. I can have my hobbies and passions and still have him in my life. We are able to shares our lives, not be each other's lives. We both can express our opinions and listen to one another. It's so great! Instead of "he makes me happy." It's become more of, "How can I make him happy?" What are little ways I can show I love him? How can I encourage him?

Instead of life sucking, it's become life giving. 

You hurt me but I'm breaking this pattern.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, when you face trials of many kinds, because you know the testing of your faith produces perseverance. James 1:2

Ever been hurt by your ex dating someone else quickly after you two broke up?  Or by your boyfriend/girlfriend cheating on you? How about by the parent that doesn't seem to care too much about what's going on in your life? Maybe by those people at school talking crap about you behind your back, or better yet, to your face. Then there is that best friend that constantly bails on you to hangout with their snuggle bug.

I have.

I took these situations wrong though. I saw them as a slap in the face. I thought it was my fault these things were happening. Too much effort went into trying to figure out what I did wrong. I never found an answer that got me too far, let alone a conclusion. I never found one because I didn't do anything wrong. 

I realized these people were heart broken. They did not do these things to spite me. They did these things because they were lost trying to find a way to fill a void. How I felt about the situation  probably never came to mind for them.

When I realized they were merely acting on their brokenness my heart changed toward the situations. The anger of wanting to punch them in the face or trip them in the middle of the street was flipped. I wanted to love them, I wanted true healing for them.

Unfortunately, I'm not able to fix their problems. I'm not able to force them through the muck so they can have the brighter side of a healed heart. They have to want it for themselves. All I'm able to do is pray for them and exercise my faith knowing God has them in His hands. 


It upsets me that other's wounds have such a huge impact in our life, which then make our wounds worse. It's time to recognize this and change the pattern. Forgive, forget, encourage and love them. That doesn't mean the bitterness is going to instantly flee from your stomach. I wish it did, but it's a process. Also, recognize the gift of bitterness being in your stomach, not your heart. The Holy Spirit is too strong to let a little bitterness touch something so precious to The Kingdom.

If we don't take this into action nothing will ever change. The world is going to keep feeding hurt and flourish in it, controlling our minds and piling us with chains. Wounds will bounce off brokenness, then pain, then hurt and repeat. Sadly, this is one tricky way Satan keeps us down.

A friend was explaining to me last night that this is one of the harder things to do while walking with God. Although you have been deeply hurt and your pain wants to take over, you cannot let it. We must face the pain and push the fleshly emotions to the side. It is crucial that we take the broken hearts under our wing in the Lords name and do nothing but love them.


Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as Christ forgave you. Ephesians 4:31-32



All glory to God.

I want to thank you.

"The fullness of Christ will not come without Christians standing with each other in  love."

-Fancis Frangipanr, The Three Battlegrounds

Hey,


If you have had a heart to heart with me in the past several months.

If you have held me while I was completely losing it.

If you sent me an encouraging text or called to see how I was doing. 

If you reminded me of the facts. 

If you prayed for me. 

If you prayed over me. 

If you bought me boots! 

If you supported my openness to the world. 

If you laid in my room listening to me talk about the same thing over and over.

If you held me while I was having a panic attack in a men's cement bathroom. 

If you bought me food. 

If you cut my hair. 

If you let me leave work early. 

If you forced me out of bed. 

If you gave me a mini pizza party with Indiana Jones. 

If you took me to church. 

If you opened my eyes to a new church. 

If you drove me anywhere! 

If you burnt me CD's. 

If you told me to watch a sermon. 

If you giggled with me about my "one day crushes".

If you sang to me.

If you had coffee at Tim Hortons with me. 

If you said you were proud of me. 

If you gave me a book to read. 

If you cooked me dinner. 

If you helped me out when my car broke down. 

If you chanted with me!

If you had me the greatest valentines day with me. 

If you Twilight geeked with me.

If you reminded me why I'm living.

If you used your story to help me with mine.

If you went to the gym with me.

If you smiled at me.

If you took me to throw rocks off a bridge.
If I was vomiting because of stress and you sat by my side and took care of me.

If you wrote me a letter.

If you walked around the pet store with me.

If you sent me a verse to read.

If you gave me a little piece of love at all.

Thank you!

I could go on for hours with this list. But I won't, you know who you are and please be confident in that you are on this list. I wouldn't of been able to experience true healing if it wasn't for your love. You have been a huge blessing!

Even if you feel like you've done nothing at all. That's the most beautiful part! If you feel like you've done nothing, that's when you know you're walking with God. Rejoice in the fact that Father is proud of you for taking care of Him.

    

For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me. -Matthew 25:35-36

The King will reply, I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me. -Matthew 25:40

Dear children let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and truth. -1 John 3:18

No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and His love is made complete in us.
-1 John 4:12

All Glory to God.

I use to punch people

I use to punch people. Don't believe me? Ask Azia, she knows everything. Sometimes I still want to punch people. There are actually a couple people I could punch and when they'd turn the other cheek, I'd punch em again.

Anger? Bitterness? Insecurities? Hurt? Fear? Pure fun? A little bit of everything here.

Now, let me set something straight. I never would go around randomly hitting whoever looked at me funny. It was always someone that invaded my privacy, grabbed me the wrong way, called me the wrong name, disrespecting me, my womanhood. Call me a crazy feminist and you're 92% dead on.

Even in my rebellious, crazy, blinded days I knew I was worth more than, "Damn girl." When we'd go out and guys would hit on me, it didn't feel good. It made me feel worse. As the time went on I became more broken than ever. I was hurt because I knew I had an amazing heart and no one saw it. Then, slowly but surely resulted into this tough girl literally punching people in the face when they disrespected me. I have a soul, thoughts and dreams! Why didn't they see this? Rather, they rated my body on a scale from one to ten, it made me want to vomit. There were some nights I loathed in men's disrespect so much I drank myself to getting sick, everywhere.

 Broken heart after broken heart, not knowing value nor feeling real love. This is a vicious cycle the world has going and it will never stop. At least that's what I thought, until I found Him. 

Him. My prince charming, the love of my live. The one that could (and did) put my shattered heart back together. Jesus Christ. 

When I took God as my savior I thought everything was going to be unicorns and glitter! I obviously didn't realize what I was getting myself into.

It has been rough. Looking back on the past, feeling the pain rather than avoiding it with the next drink. Opening those scars and letting Him heal them to new skin, it hurt. But it has been so worth it. Over a year ago I had a friend tell me, "Sarah, I know many girls that have been victims of rape with horrible past and they each have been completely restored. You will be too, just keep pressing on The Lord." I didn't believe him.

For eight years I had the person that stole my innocence from me haunt my mind everyday. I'd wake up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night over and over again. There was one point where I shut off my phone for several days, hermitting  from everything. I planned on visiting him in jail to face him. To ask him, why me?


That's when I learned to lean on God. Yes, He was opening up pain I had been avoiding for years but He was also healing my heart. Taking off the bandages and having me rely on Him, not the false fixes. I didn't need to go back and get answers, I needed to look forward to the glorious Father that was waiting for me.

I dove into the word, spent hours praying and started to share my story. The actual story. God has used this part of my life. He's used my broken heart turned crazy more than I ever thought He would. I had no idea I'd one day be mentoring high school girls with the same things happening in their lives. I didn't even know what mentoring was! And to use my story to help them down the path to the Lord!? It was definitely worth all the pain, the sleepless nights and the lonely lunch periods. If I had to, I'd live those years over and over again to help these girls.

God is using me, why? Because He loves me and has an amazing plan for me. You want to know what's most beautiful about that statement? I finally believe it.




All Glory To God.