Control.

When I go to Tim Horton’s for a medium coffee with two creams and one sugar, I trust the man will take care of it. It’s his job, right?

When I go to a local restaurant with my boyfriend, I trust they will leave out the mushrooms in my chicken burrito when I ask. It’s the cook’s job, right?

When I put gas in my car I trust it will get me from point A to point B. It’s how cars work, right?

When my bosses ask me to take care of their children, I do. And they do not worry, because it is my job.

When these life things happen day after day I do not worry. I hardly give them a second thought. Why then would I worry about my life when God has promised to take care of it?

The hospital bills, car expenses, crazy work schedule. Missing family events and bachelorette parties. Having class, getting sick, finding an apartment. Trying to see friends, finding time in my schedule for a date with the boy. My brother overseas. The friendships that have failed. The old friends I miss. The search for my nook in this society. Why do I worry and stress?

Stressed, to the point of tears racing down my face and a tremendous headache every afternoon. Why?

Control.

I feel like I must control everything. I feel like I’m alone in this excuse for a culture.

I've always been this way. Ever since I can remember.

My mother and both grandmothers have always been the same way. So, I’m not unique in this, just following the path. Nor am I saying this is bad. If anything, it has been amazing to grow up and watch strong beautiful women live life. But, balance.

I need balance. How to be strong with God, and let Him lead. He has the bigger picture in sight. Why do I worry?

How to have full ambition, yet be directed.

I guess it is true. Even as I approach 25 I’m still a little girl, sitting in the palm of His hand, learning.

When Jesus came to Martha and Mary four days after Lazarus’s death. Both women were distraught in their trial. At the first sight of Jesus Martha was angry. “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” She said.

Then she follows with, “But I know that even now God will give you whatever you ask.”

Faith.

I am not original in this. Although I am lost in this trial, I hold faith.