A change of heart and strengthened security

    If you would of asked the five month ago me, what are your future plans? Something like this would have come out, "Well, you know. Get married when my boyfriend (L7) is out of school. Maybe go back to school after I completely over think what God wants me doing with my life. Find a nice suburb, buy a house, live as each week goes on, go to church, have a few kids and eventually die!" Now, it would have sounded a lot more happier than that. Mostly because I thought I was happy, I thought I was filled and I thought I knew what the desires of my heart were. Good thing God know what's best and I don't.

    God does this funny thing sometimes, where He takes away things that you find security in. Things that are not Him. Maybe you've had a similar experience? If you have, you're probably nodding your head, thinking about that person, dream, career or hobby The Lord cut out of your life. You probably already know that my "suburb dream" is no longer in line and honestly, it never really was. When L7 and I would talk about our future I could feel my heart wanting more. Of course, I will never deny I was head over heels for him and completely loved the idea of growing old together but my gut felt God had bigger plans for me.

    About a month ago a wonderful friend handed me a book called Shattered Dreams by Larry Crabb. Yes, I know it sounds like some kind of break up book and you know what? It is, but much more. It studies the book of Ruth, focusing on Naomi's trials. I would highly suggest it if you're going through a rough season. It put into perspective for me that God uses our shattered dreams to make us desire Him more.

    Thankfully, God took L7 out of my life. Was it easy? No. Is it easy now? No. Do I now desire to know God more than I could possibly imagine? Yes, yes I do indeed.

    The past couple months have been traitorous. There was one point I literally thought dying would be much better than feeling the agony my heart was being dragged through. One night I was on my way home from church, bawling my eyes out thinking, "Everyone keeps saying it gets easier but it's not! Everyday feels worse!" Thankfully I came home to two of my best friends sitting in my room watching cat videos on youtube. As soon as I walked in I fell to my knees, kicking, screaming and drowning in tears. They came over and held me, which is exactly what I needed. God was there, crying with me because seeing me in that kind of pain hurt Him just as much, if not more. I needed to get out the hurt, the pain, the depression, the faithlessness, the abandonment, the not good enough, the untrustworthy and the bitterness I had been feeling. That night was definitely the biggest turn around for me in the season.

    Yes, Father wants us to be happy and bless us. But something I've come to realize is what's best is not always what's easy. He knew that relationship was precious to my heart and that I was, oh so in love! Taking it away was not an easy task for Him, but He knew it was best. The statement, "This is going to hurt me a lot more than it hurts you." never made sense to me until now. 

    This past month I felt prompted to fast, recommit prayer life and fully fix my eyes on Him and I's relationship. Since February is now over, as I sit in bed writing this, I'm trying to think of what all I have learned.

    Well, I learned that I'm in a process of a healing heart. That I'm growing into a strong woman of Christ and that God planned all of this. Even down to the nooks and crannies.

    Example, six months ago I wanted to look into counseling as a career and it was suggested to me that I go see a councilor before I jump into classes. Pssh, I'm not going to be a councilor but to end up in this woman's office right before and through all of this mess? God planned it. She has been a  tremendous blessing, I'm so thankful for her. Something else was my job. I now work with several people from my home church (and have the greatest mangers ever). Crying and praying in the back room for an hour definitely wouldn't of  been okay at Nordstrom.

   I also found that God also knows exactly what you need to help be built back up. Me, being a hopeless romantic woman that was settled in a bitterness state, wanting to shank everything with a penis. God blessed me with a glimpse of how I am to be treated by my future spouse. I call him Freckles. Through this young man God showed me what kind of leader I need. Some one that is passionate and radical about their walk. Some one that is able to see qualities about my heart God created and feed them back to me. Some one that has a childlike heart and is completely filled with the Holy Spirit's joy. Even with a distance like Columbus to Albuquerque God was able to use him. The past was broken off of me and no longer a burden. I now know the future holds a imperfectly perfect marriage and family, one of Christ.
(Now please note, that the whole Freckles and I thing is not an actual "thing". Haha, Merely friends.)

    The most important thing Father taught me this month was to be still. To sit and listen, to fill my soul with scripture and be with Him in constant prayer. I've grown to desire Him on an entirely new level. I've learned to surround myself with followers and let others pour into me. I was always trying to encourage everyone, but that car quickly ran out of gas. This season has definitely shown me I have amazing friends that truly care. That they are willing to do just about anything to bring a smile to my face.

     I've learned that what I have here in this house, in this community and in this world, is truly God's best interest for me. That He is holding me, walking beside me and never leaving. That He is there wherever my future goes and that I can be comforted by the fact that He will never replace my better with good, only best.

Romans 12:12

All Glory to God.