Wednesday, February 15, 2012

I use to punch people

I use to punch people. Don't believe me? Ask Azia, she knows everything. Sometimes I still want to punch people. There are actually a couple people I could punch and when they'd turn the other cheek, I'd punch em again.

Anger? Bitterness? Insecurities? Hurt? Fear? Pure fun? A little bit of everything here.

Now, let me set something straight. I never would go around randomly hitting whoever looked at me funny. It was always someone that invaded my privacy, grabbed me the wrong way, called me the wrong name, disrespecting me, my womanhood. Call me a crazy feminist and you're 92% dead on.

Even in my rebellious, crazy, blinded days I knew I was worth more than, "Damn girl." When we'd go out and guys would hit on me, it didn't feel good. It made me feel worse. As the time went on I became more broken than ever. I was hurt because I knew I had an amazing heart and no one saw it. Then, slowly but surely resulted into this tough girl literally punching people in the face when they disrespected me. I have a soul, thoughts and dreams! Why didn't they see this? Rather, they rated my body on a scale from one to ten, it made me want to vomit. There were some nights I loathed in men's disrespect so much I drank myself to getting sick, everywhere.

 Broken heart after broken heart, not knowing value nor feeling real love. This is a vicious cycle the world has going and it will never stop. At least that's what I thought, until I found Him. 

Him. My prince charming, the love of my live. The one that could (and did) put my shattered heart back together. Jesus Christ. 

When I took God as my savior I thought everything was going to be unicorns and glitter! I obviously didn't realize what I was getting myself into.

It has been rough. Looking back on the past, feeling the pain rather than avoiding it with the next drink. Opening those scars and letting Him heal them to new skin, it hurt. But it has been so worth it. Over a year ago I had a friend tell me, "Sarah, I know many girls that have been victims of rape with horrible past and they each have been completely restored. You will be too, just keep pressing on The Lord." I didn't believe him.

For eight years I had the person that stole my innocence from me haunt my mind everyday. I'd wake up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night over and over again. There was one point where I shut off my phone for several days, hermitting  from everything. I planned on visiting him in jail to face him. To ask him, why me?

That's when I learned to lean on God. Yes, He was opening up pain I had been avoiding for years but He was also healing my heart. Taking off the bandages and having me rely on Him, not the false fixes. I didn't need to go back and get answers, I needed to look forward to the glorious Father that was waiting for me.

I dove into the word, spent hours praying and started to share my story. The actual story. God has used this part of my life. He's used my broken heart turned crazy more than I ever thought He would. I had no idea I'd one day be mentoring high school girls with the same things happening in their lives. I didn't even know what mentoring was! And to use my story to help them down the path to the Lord!? It was definitely worth all the pain, the sleepless nights and the lonely lunch periods. If I had to, I'd live those years over and over again to help these girls.

God is using me, why? Because He loves me and has an amazing plan for me. You want to know what's most beautiful about that statement? I finally believe it.

All Glory To God.

No comments:

Post a Comment

I truly appreciate you reading Denim and Eve! Thank you for the love!