During that time, I was praying daily and in the word but still felt incredibly disconnected. I repeatedly thought, "How is this possible? I'm doing what I'm suppose to do." I was going to church, bible study and meeting with friends but couldn't shake the muck. Through a series of events and thoughts I finally realized I had to stop and be still before the Lord. Not only did I need to be still but I had to give Him every tiny detail of my life. I began to pray more specifically and stopped the "loose end" prayers. My prayers were heart-filled and instead of asking for comfort, I began asking God to know Him better.
One of my prayers was, to feel beautiful. I was struggling with body insecurities and comparing myself to other women. As soon as I woke up I'd turn over and browse Pinterest's Health and Fitness section and instantly desired every chiseled muscle and thigh gap across the screen. (you know what I'm talking about ladies!) As this happened I was beating myself up about how I don't have this or that and too much of X,Y and Z. What I failed to focus on was, that girl is that girl and I am me.
This past weekend, I was house sitting for my grandma, the house was quiet. I took a shower late in the day and planned to start prepping for an evening event. Stepping out of the shower I wrapped myself in one of the best towels ever, a Martha Stewart bath towel. It was warm from hanging above the bathroom vent and started to absorb every bit of water left on my skin, I felt cozy and secure. I walked into the bedroom and dropped the towel on the floor, then sat on it and began to search threw my bag to find my snazzy, natural, no sulfate lotion. I saw movement in my peripheral vision. As I turned my head I noticed a gold starburst mirror leaning against the wall grandma had to of had since the 70's. I recalled it's memory and where it was carefully hung in each home she had in the past. I smiled at the thought of it still trucking along, then gave a deeper look. As my eyes refocused I saw myself in the round mirror in the middle of the gold starburst frame, from a side angle sitting with my knees to my chest, leaning forward. My hair was wet draping down my back and skin was glowing. I looked at myself with appreciation and froze for a moment in awe of beauty that God Himself artistically crafted together. A giant smile softly curved my face, then I heard a voice that was not my own.
"You are altogether beautiful, my darling;
there is no flaw in you."
Song of Songs 4:7
In that second, that very tiny moment, my heart was filled and I was fully connected with my God. That moment was so irresistibly empowering, I imagine the love and beauty I was overwhelmed with is what it was like for Adam and Eve before the fall. God blessed me with a moment of heaven and, woah. All I can say is, "Woah." God left me speechless.
I want to encourage you to allow God to love you, to romance you and to fulfill you hearts deep unseen desires. Yes, Father wants to help loved ones in a time of sickness and passing. But don't forget He wants to connect with your heart and have a one on one real living, daily relationship with you.