I never directly thought, "I'm in this relationship so I can be happy. He's what makes me happy." But I will admit, I definitely lived that way.
Before this mess of a year, I was consumed by relationship. Having a romantic relationship was my life, the main thing, it was the big circus and I was not leaving that tent! I relied on it, I needed it to text me, call me and see me everyday. Any given moment without it was a mental breakdown. Insecurities would eat me alive and I was a nervous wreck.
These insecurities were from past relationships, past life and extremely horrible experiences. I didn't realize it for the longest time, but when something traumatic happens in life and years down the line, the same thing happens we act out in the same way as we did before. Are you picking up what I'm throwing down?
Example, I dated a cheating, lying, insecure man for years. I knew this about him. But I settled, he would change, right? No. All the lies and horror stories I lived through I carried to my next relationship. A honest, loyal, real loving one. The feelings and thoughts were the same, but the reality was very different. This happens in more circumstances than we realize. Don't get it yet?
Next situation+Thought=Same feeling
Solution? "Father, take my thoughts captive."
The constant connection in this relationship (the new healthier one) I didn't realize it, but I was actually sucking the life out of the man I loved. Constant connection (Text, twitter, phone calls, visits, ect.) quickly became another job and not something out of love. Like I said before, I was acting out of my own insecurities and while doing that, the relationship became jail, a box, a straight jacket. A smile became something that was to be questioned and a hug was something I felt I'd never receive again. Only the enemy would sink these lies into our hearts.
This past year God took that relationship from me. My heart was broken in the most painful ways. Honestly, I'm still not over everything that happened. It's hard and it's definitely not a light switch. Sometimes, I wish it was because I'm sick and tired of crying over things that happened months ago. But that's when it's best to pray. "Father, take me thoughts captive."
While being apart from the man I loved I learned a lot. I learned a lot about me. I realized, I have a life, I have a heart, passions, hobbies and wonderful friends. As I was learning these things I felt free to be my own person. I was free of all the soul eating energy that the relationship consumption took from me.
While all these things were happening, I'd be lying if I said I didn't think about him everyday. I missed him dearly, it was not easy. It was the most difficult learning experience I've had this far.
God graciously and very slowly placed him back into my life. Yes, months of praying and hoping had arrived! But what was next? How much do we talk? Are we going to just be friends? Why am I still crying? Does he actually care about me? Do I really want to be with him? What the heck? Have I lost my mind? Why is dating and relationships so complicated?
Sure enough, God worked it out. Slowly, patiently, and lovingly.
Now, back into a healthy relationship with this person, after learning all the hard stuff. I can breath. I can be myself. I can have my hobbies and passions and still have him in my life. We are able to shares our lives, not be each other's lives. We both can express our opinions and listen to one another. It's so great! Instead of "he makes me happy." It's become more of, "How can I make him happy?" What are little ways I can show I love him? How can I encourage him?
Instead of life sucking, it's become life giving.