Snow and Depression

     In October I granted myself an overprice one bedroom apartment by the river in Columbus, Ohio. Now, I love this apartment, absolutely adore it. And I do acknowledge that this is a sweet time in my life.

     Although, with my apartment came new bills, with new bills came more working, with more working the year passed by quicker, as the year passed I became the, "It's Friday!" guy. Add all these things together came insecurities, Can I do this? How will I eat? I need a couch to make this place look real. Will I get robbed? I'm 25, on my own, I thought this was my dream, but is it? As these thoughts popped up and grew the snow came, as the snow came I saw less and less of people. And boom. All of a sudden depression washed over me as soon as the sun shined on that pretty river behind my apartment, every morning. 

     This depression was needy and mute but knew how to fake it well in front of other people. Especially at groups and church. Nod head, then smile, now repeat, "Oh yes! I love my job and what can I say? God is good." Now, when I say this depression was mute, every day felt like I was alone in a glass house. I watched the world around me with shallow breath, sitting on the floor, too weak to speak. I was among the world, visible to everyone, but could not to be touched. My thoughts were kept to themselves. These thoughts were whispers, which turned in to conversation, which lead to screams, then they ended stamped on me. I wore this depression like the tattoos embedded in my skin. It became apart of me. Unfortunately, I was aware this but paralyzed from standing up to open the door. 

     This affected everything in my life. Everything. The relationship between my boyfriend and I felt like it was in the middle of the ocean during a storm on a raft that was built by monkeys. Anytime I could weasel out of my morning shifts at work I did. There were some mornings I'd wake up and could not get out of bed, I'd stare at the ceiling and think, I guess I can read Harry Potter today. Most the of time I didn't know what day it was. Eventually I caught the flu and didn't know if my body was going to recover. And friends, what were friends? I didn't know. 

     I thought I was crazy. I made doctor appointments in attempt to medicate the gray clouds that followed me. Usually I go to a councilor once or twice a month, the depression turned it into seeing her every week paired with emergency phone calls. The list goes on. 

     Then I had a friend. This friend listened to me. Actually listened to me, without interruption to go on about her life. She encouraged me and took me out or came to visit me. She cared. What I needed was genuine connection. It was a slow process to come out of this mute state but I can say I survived. Thank you friend.

     So here's to you Ohioans that are snowed in. If you haven't heard from a friend, seen them post anything online or all they are doing are posting negative things online, reach out. Call or visit them, then listen without interruption. And if you're the one with the rain cloud over your head, please stand up, stretch and try really hard to contact a friend and tell your story.