Saturday, January 7, 2012

Intro: Surviving a break up and becoming a strong Godly woman

Cute right? I know. 

This first time I told him "I love you." we were on the phone. I was walking around the thrift store and I think he had just got home from school. It slipped out at the end of the conversation. I didn't mean to say it and was completely embarrassed! He made this "Ohwoahhhha" type of noise. Then follows up with "Do you really mean it?" "Umm yes, no. I mean I think! Yes I do, actually yes I really do." I spat out. "I love you too Sarah." He replied. I could hear his big smile from the other end. 

 That was before we were saved. Actually saved.

I could go on for days about cute little moments between us. You know the picture perfect ones, the movie kind. Oh yes, there were tons of star filled, no music dances before I drove home. Tickle fest, smiles upon smiles, park walks, Sandlot and Joe Dirt marathons, bracelet making, tea sharing. Like I said, days of stories. 

As we continued to fall lustfully in love L7 (yep, that's going to his blog name) was invited to a home church on Saturdays nights. When he told me I honestly thought he was lying. He wasn't, because I too quickly became apart of the group. It was life changing. We found new friends and were quickly on a track to passionately following Christ. In the first eight or nine months of digging into our new found faith a lot changed in our relationship. It went from a typical worldly relationship to a only cheek kisses kind of relationship. I will say on a side note being in the "cheek kissing" relationship was when I was most confident, at peace and happy. So yes little ones, God really knows what he's talking about when asking to save sex for marriage. But that's a completely different topic I'll save for another day. All the change between us was hard. We definitely learned what saying no and holding each other accountable meant. Once it was said and done it was oh so worth the hardship. We grew to appreciate one another in a new way.

Okay let me get to the point of things before this gets to be anymore of a mush fest. We broke up. About a month ago. Between; school, touring, dads, family, work, insecurities flying, pressure of being the perfect couple and God tugging on our hearts, it just wasn't working out. He's always been the level headed one and me being the compassionate person I am, I fought it. Which made it worse. But it was what needed to happen and both of us have grown so much since.

After the break-up God revealed to me quickly that my security wasn't in Him. It was in the fact that I had someone that loved me, that wanted to marry me, that wanted to build a future with me. The fact that I was on a track to having that husband women desire for.

When broken people find security in these things, it doesn't work.

This evening I found myself sitting in a coffee shop, reading. For hours. Several hipster couples walked by me looking slightly angry (mostly the females) because I took up the only couch in the place to myself.

Later I ended up in the religion section at Half Priced Books looking for some inspiration. Like always, I picked up a few C.S. Lewis books skimming through them. Then out of the corner of my eye found a book called, "Sexless in the City." Which if you knew the old me. My life goal was to become Carrie Bradshaw but when Jesus and L7 took over my future plans quickly changed. But! To find something like this was gold! A little bit of Carrie and Jesus all in one book, how could I resist? 

After taking it in hand and reading the introduction I quickly shoved it back on the shelf to it's proper place in disappointment. Why? Because I just don't care anymore. Actually, let me rephrase that. I don't care right now. 

How to be sexless in a relationship and following the Lord and blah de blah de blah! It seemed like another story of the greatest man ever finding a patient woman and getting married and having babies. Letting him guide her though out her faith. Now, I could be completely wrong about what the book is actually about but, COME! ON! Don't we as young woman have more to look forward to? 

Genesis 3:16
 16 To the woman he said,
   “I will make your pains in childbearing very severe;
   with painful labor you will give birth to children.
Your desire will be for your husband,
   and he will rule over you.”

I find it odd we always remember about the birthing pains but never the second part. The desire we have for our husbands.

Ladies what I'm getting to is, I tired of this. I'm tired of living to desire a man. I'm to the point in my walk where my desire is to make Jesus' mission, my mission. I'm standing, my Father is beside me and I'm jumping in. 

(Now I'm sure the book is great and whoever it was that put gobs of effort into the book is great.)

Throughout the next month, I'll talk about what I've done and am doing to make this trial easier. How I'm seeking God and growing in Him. How I making His mission, my mission. How I'm becoming the strong woman God wants me to be. 

1 comment:

  1. best friend and I are always having conversations about relationships and how to stay pure and things like that. It's not always easy but its possible! I'm glad I found your blog.


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